Expect lots of bloggin' this week, folks. I predict I might go a bit stir crazy.

I got this email this morning from Jana. I figured, hey, you're all salivating to know even MORE useless facts about me, so here you are, my pretties.


1. What time is it? 2:55 pm

2. Name as it appear:s on birth certificate: This is the Internet, so you only get my first two names: Jennifer Lynn

3. Nicknames: Jenn, Jenné, Jenny (only a VERY select group of people), Boo

4. How many candles on your last birthday cake? I'm at that age where no one tries to put the right number on the cake anymore, so probably, like, 4.

5. Pets: I used to have a Cocker Spaniel called T.Jay, then a Chow called Salvadore. Now I sort of have fish (they belong to my parents) who are called Seamus, Akira, Johnny, Shakira, Sushi... and the rest are, as of yet, unnamed.

6. Hair colour: Currently, blond and brown.

7. Piercing: Ears, and formerly nose.

8. Eye colour: Blue.

9. Hometown town: Moncton, NB

10. Town you live in: Again, this is the Internet, so Nova Scotia.

11. Favourite foods: Chicken, pasta, garlic, spinach, cheesecake, ice cream, bacon.

12. Ever been to Africa: Nope.

13. Been toilet papering: No.

14. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes.

15. Been in a car accident? Sort of. Does driving onto my neighbours front yard, almost crashing into their living room, count?

16. Croutons or bacon bits? It depends.

17. Favourite day of the week? Thursday or Saturday.

18. Favourite restaurant? Currently, La Cave (Halifax) or Pastalis (Moncton)

19. Favorite Flower? Lillies and Orchids

20. Favourite sport to watch? Gymnastics, Basketball, and Luge.

21. Favourite drink? Vodka & Cran

22. Favourite ice cream flavour? They don't make it anymore, but it was called "Teddy Bear". It was chocolate with giant chunks of Peanut Butter in it. Now, I like Peanut Butter Fudge Crunch.

23. Disney or Warner Bros? Probably Disney.

24. Favourite fast food restaurant? Wendy's or Arby's or Deluxe.

25. What colour is your bedroom carpet? It's ugly vinyl tile.

26. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I'll get back to ya on that.

27. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Via Rail, telling me I didn't win a contest. Jerks.

28. Which store would you choose to max. out your credit card? Reitman's, Ikea, Payless Shoes, Urban Outfitters, Tiffany's.

29. What do you do most often when you are bored? See below.

30. Most annoying thing people say to me? Anything starting with the words "You should..." or "You look like..."

32. Who will respond to this email the quickest? N/A

33. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? N/A

34. Favourite TV shows? Survivor, The Cosby Show, The Simpsons, Family Guy

35. Last person you went out to dinner with? Sarah

37. What are you listening to right now? The dull hum of my computer's fan.

38. Time you finished this email? 4:20 pm (dude!)

I wish he would suck me like that....

I love Technorati. They told me that some wonderful person linked me on their blog. Someone I didn't know, and someone I didn't have to sleep with! bribe!

I emailed this lovely man, Matt to thank him. I complimented him on his site, and asked if he read mine regularly.

This was the reply:

YES! I love your blog. I read it all the time! Love it, love it, love it!

Keep it up and thanks again for reading mine!

Gotta love those giant asses right?

It's so nice to get compliments, especially on a Friday, especially when Mr. Wonderful (no, not Matt) is quite busy with work and can therefore not shower me with the praise and affection that I so sorely need.

So, readers, as a favour to me (and to keep the good karma flowing), go take a gander over at Matt's place, if only for the giant ass.

I had another girl come in looking for a pregnancy test this morning. She came in with her caretaker. Apparently she's been kicked out of the house, has quit school, she had sex (with a condom) a few months ago and hasn't had a period in 2 months. She's fifteen.

I swear I'm more nervous about this stuff than the girls who come in here. I guess it's because I've never actually had a pregnancy scare myself, so when I'm faced with it, I start to think about how something that like can change your life forever. Also, I want to be the person that the girl can confide it, and can be relaxed around.

This time, these clients just showed up in my office, with no advanced warning. Game on. So, I had to think fairly quickly on how to deal with this. Well, giving her the pregnancy test was the first step, I suppose. I asked her how long ago it happened, and if she would feel more comfortable doing it here or at home. She decided (thankfully) to do it here.

I have to thank my intuition here for telling me, just last week, to go ahead and try out a pregnancy test, just in case I had to explain the proceedure to anyone (fyi: it was negative, obviously).

So, I went into the washroom with her, and we got open the package (and, sweet fuck, that cellophane around the package is mighty hard to open when you're nervous). I explained to her what to do with the test, and what to expect. When she was finished, I told her to come on out, and we'd wait a few minutes for the results. So, she came back out, and I got some brochures, condoms, and lube for her, and urged her to go on birth control. Turns out they were going to go to the hospital and get her on BCP as soon as they found out about the test. Yay! I made sure to stress to her, though, to keep using condoms because the BCP doesn't protect against STD's. So, with that, I told them they may want to test again, just to be absolutely positive, but that she probably can relax now. I wished her luck, and off they went. I hope she does okay. She seems like a sweet girl.

I stole this from Sarah, who stole it from D.

1. Your name spelled backwards - Refinnej

2. Where were your parents born - Saint John (Dad) and Miramichi (Mom)

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer - If you mean my own, personal computer, than it was an audio file of the two over at ...Sweetness Follows going at it. If you mean the one I use at work, then, well.. yah, probably porn, haha.

4. What's your favorite restaurant - It depends on why I'm going out. I love Pastallis, Boomerangs, Mikes and East Side Marios, but, really, there are so many out there to choose from.

5. Last time you swam in a pool - A month ago, at the Halifax Casino Hotel with Jana.

6. Have you ever been in a school play - Yes, actually, lots. Which is funny, because I stunk in each and every one of them. It's not so much that I'm a bad actress, per se, I just can't ever remember my lines, which is sort of a prerequisite. I guess I should just stick to improv.

7. How many kids do you want - Oh god. I'm still warming up to the idea that I could have offspring some day. But no more than 2, I think. I wouldn't want my children to outnumber their parents. I'm scared of a mutiny.

8. Type of music you dislike most - Amateur punk (is that an oxymoron?)

9. Are you registered to vote - Eep, no. I don't think that the government really knows where I am anymore. Also, I don't want to vote in a town where I don't really care who wins.

10. Do you have a car - Hell, no. I can barely afford new sneakers.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped - Nope.

12. Ever prank call anybody - Oh yes, but I wasn't very good at it.

13. Ever get a parking ticket - No, see #10

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving - Yeah, sure. I'm not afraid of heights.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled - Florida. Coolest - Halifax and Florida.

16. Do you have a garden - Bahah. No. Maybe I'll grow an herb garden, though.

17. What's the size of your bed - Double, but it feels bigger because it is a pillowtop and therefore very high.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem - Yes, though it's been a while since I've sung it.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night - Usually showers, at night. However, if I'm home, I will use my parents whirlpool bath.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past 4 months - Surprisingly, Payback with Mel Gibson

21. What's the next movie you want to see - Shrek 2, The Day After Tomorrow, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

22. Chips or popcorn - Popcorn

23. Have you ever broken any hearts - Hm, not that I know of. Well, maybe one, but it was more of a mutual smashing of hearts.

24. Premarital sex - Hell yes. In my line of work, it's research.

25. Are you a good cook - I don't think I'm a terrible cook. A have a few old standbys. I usually just get into trouble when I try to experiment (Vodka Steak anyone?).

26. Orange or Apple juice - Apple Juice

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you go - Sarah, to ESM on Sunday night.

28. Favorite type of drink - non alcoholic = Cranberry Juice alcoholic = Vodka & Cran or Bacardi Breezers

29. Best thing in the world - Falling asleep and waking up next to a warm body. (as opposed to a cold one.. ew, hahah)

30. Have you ever broken a bone - None of my own, but I broke my friend Heather's wrist when I was 10 (unintentionally, of course).

31. Have you ever won a trophy - I won the "Sure Shot" Award in Grade 12 for photography (which was dumb, but I won't get into that), and also the "Triple Crown" award in Grade 9.

32. What is your favorite board game - Survivor, Trivial Pursuit, Nightmare

33. What is your dream car - I know I'm lame, but I like PT Cruisers.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial - No, though I've purchased things I've seen in stores that were in infomercials (ex: The Amazing Flipfold!)

35. Coke or Pepsi - Coke.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work - Ugh, yes, at Co-op. They were just ugly grey smocks.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy - Yeah, ECP! Ha, no! Just kidding! Just my regular Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

38. Who are you going to marry - Gee, that's an awfully presumptious (and dangerous!) question. Pass! :)

39. Who would you like to meet - Sue Johanson!

40. Do you believe in love at first sight - I see no reason NOT to.

41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex - Nice eyes, confidence, a great sense of humour, and good hands.

42. Where would you go for a romantic evening - It doesn't matter. It's all about the mood, man.

43. How many pairs of shoes do you own - I have no idea. Maybe.. a dozen?

44. Last song stuck in your head - The tune of "My eyes are dim, I cannot see, I have not brought my specs with me..."

45. Any pets - None of my own (yet), but I am a serogate Mommy to a few fish my parents own.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character - Deiter, Ed Grimley, and Wayne and Garth

47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do - Ejaculate. And if that doesn't happen, sign language.

48. What do you do when you are bored - Surf, write, watch TV

49. What is one thing you would want someone to appreciate about you -That I am open.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today - My co-workers, for making me laugh.

Okay, again, I have to reiterate (with all formatting tools available to me) THIS PLACE IS THE WEIRDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

Okay, last night, I get home. I put away my groceries, unpack, tidy up, etc. Now, a bit of background. I have 2 entrances to my house. Both of these entrances have 2 doors. The first door, in both entrances leads to porches (a sun porch in the front, a mud room in the back). I usually don't worry too much about locking the "outside" doors, as they would only lead to a porch, where there are no valuables, unless you count bottled water and clothespins. I am always sure, however, to lock the "inside" doors, the doors that lead inside to my actual house.

So, after I arrive home last night, I notice that on the "inside" door, leading to the front sun room, there are strange markings on the window pane that is in the middle of the door. In white wax pencil are about 7 cirlces with "R1, R2, R3, etc" up to R7, in various places on the glass. It looked to me like they were circling fingerprints, or smudges. I thought "well, that's odd". I had 2 theories.

1) Delbert (my landlord, real name) came by and was maybe going to replace the glass in the door, as was marking pressure points or something (I'm not a carpenter, okay?)

2) Delbert, or someone, came into the porch, saw the smudgy window pane and was appaled that I was such a bad housekeeper, so they decided to mark out all the spots I missed.

What I found odd, though, was that Delbert didn't call to let me know he'd be by, nor did he leave a note, or leave a message on my phone. So, thinking it wasn't a big deal, I just left it at that, and figured I'd be talking to him this weekend anyway to get him his rent money.

So, I get into work this morning, and my boss-

Okay, background information time again. Delbert is my boss's uncle in law. And, I live nextdoor to my boss's parent in laws. Meaning that Delbert is my boss's husband's uncle, and my boss's husband's parents are my next door neighbours.

Savy?

Okay. All that to say, that that family is a little on the crazy, anal, tightly-wound side. It's nothing for me to look out my window and see a pair of 70 year old eyes looking back at me. And Delbert is just, well.. a recovering alcoholic and probably has OCD.

Anyway. Apparently, because my house is so close to the road, the outside door (which faces the road) must have come open. Delbert noticed this, and figured that I must have been broken into. Well, this is a bit of a rash assumption, but nonetheless, if you think that's what happened, what would a rational person do? A rational person would probably stop by the house, walk through the door and see if the house was in disarray, or if anything was taken (as mentioned before, the glass leading into the house is clear glass, so it would be easy to see most my house from the porch). If nothing was taken, no harm done, lock the door behind you before you leave.

What does Delbert do?

Delbert calls my boss in a panic, screeching that my house has been broken in. When suggested to go in the house, he refuses. He demands my home number, the name of my father, etc, instead of just going to check. My boss says that they (herself and her husband) would go and check but he said if they tried, he would refused them access to the house!! Her husband tries anyway, but Delbert shows up anyway, again, refusing him into the porch to just take a look, and save everyone all the worry.

So, what does Delbert do?

He calls the RCMP to investigate the scene. Oh brother. This explains the strange markings on my door. Apparently, these guys have absolutely nothing better to do than take prints of my house. (insert eye rolling emoticon here)

So, again, STILL no phone call, or note. You'd think if the cops were around, someone would let me know, before having to find out at work, but anyway. I'm not going to call Delbert, because I will see him this weekend anyway, and also, I'm convinced that he's probably a little insane.

This is why I don't drink the water here.

For reasons only some of you know of, I think this is my best title ever.

Okay, so, good weekend. Lazy, but good (notice I say "lazy" and not "boring". I got in at about 8 or 9 on Friday night. Saturday, we got up late, and I went to go see Colin, my straight hairdresser. I love Colin. Do you know why I love Colin? Besides the fact that he loves FUBAR? Because he genuinely enjoys what he does. He really puts a lot of work into haircutting. He takes pride in what he does. He likes to experiment. Having cut my hair for, geez, probably something like 7 years now (on and off) we're pretty comfortable with each other, and I can go in there with a stupid idea, and he will tell me it won't work. If I go in there with a good idea, he's always up for it. Also, we decided to film a porn on the Gravitron. For all these reasons, I love Colin.

Anyway.

We went over to the parents house on Saturday afternoon. What's that, you ask? Crazy monkey sex? Naked hide and go seek? Oh, no, my dear reader.

It was much better. In lay-z-boys, even.


Sunday night was spent with Sarah, gettin' ripped. We started pretty early, so we were toast at about midnight. The adorable little waitress with this wonderful French accent kept 'accidentally' messing up our orders on us, so we usually got twice as many shots than we ordered. It was a little silly, but it was great time.

Monday morning was spent sleeping, which was the absolutely most perfect thing that could have happened. I woke up to pee at about 9, feeling like ass, then didn't get up again til 1pm, when I felt like sunshine and lollipops. That afternoon was spent bbq-ing and reading, and otherwise being completely lazy. T'was wonderful.

I went to see Troy with Vicks and Lis-er. It was, uhm, okay. There were several shots of naked Brad, which is worth a couple of bucks. Just as an aside.. Why can't casting directors cast actors who at least have the proper accent for the country the movie is supposedly set in? Although Troy is set in Greece, the accents were British, American (at one more, one actor almost had a New Jersey accent), and Scottish. I understand the need for English speaking actors, but.. oh, just come on. Scottish?

So.. Tuesday, yesterday. Well, that's all pretty interesting.. interesting enough to deserve it's own post. Which, as you've already read by now, just above this one.

"We are not talking retarded people here..."

That's how I was introduced today to a grade 12 biology class. Yay. Rock on. \m/

I had such a blast this morning. I totally kicked ass. I was funny and clever but delivered all the important messages. I talked about dental dams and masturbation and 69s and hummers (more on that later).

Yes, so, I went in with the public health nurse today. The last time she was in the class, the class left a list of questions they wanted her to answer. Here's a sampling:

"Can you explain menopause?"
"Where are the most sensitive parts in a male?"
"What is the hormone that causes sex drive in women?"
"What are some good sex tips?"
"What's a hummer?"
"Can you put in a condom dispenser?"

So, as you can see, they were pretty decent questions. Robin (not her real name), the public health nurse, had me bring in all my birth control and condom displays in case anyone wanted to talk about them. Again, I have to talk again about Robin. She's been doing this for a loooong time. But I'm always kind of shocked about how she approaches some questions. When I sat in on an elementary presentation with her, someone asked what a dildo was, but she didn't answer the question, because she didn't want to "ruin their innocence" (her words). My thought is, if they're asking about dildos, any 'innocence' they had is long gone. Besides, I can't tell you how many times I was in elementary school where someone used a word I didn't know, only to go home and use it in casual conversation with say Mom/Dad/Our Priest and get in shit for it. For Chrissake, explain these words. It doesn't mean they'll be a mass exodus to the nearest sex shop.

But I digress. :)

So, anyway, good times. Robin would go through the questions, and if I wanted to jump in and explain something, I would. I think my best moment was either showing them how to make a homemade dental dam, or when I asked the question "what's the safest sex there is?". A lot of them answered oral sex or manual sex, which allowed me to scream out MASTURBATION! That was fun. Most of them turned 14 shades of red (including myself, probably), but I'm a big, big fan of masturbation, in case any of you weren't aware.

The worst moment, hands down, was when I handed out long-expired condoms. Yay, I'm an ass. I didn't bring any condoms with me (I have boxes of Lifestyles I carry around if I need them) because I wasn't sure on the school policy, and I knew for a fact that the principal was a huge hard-ass when it came to these things, and we'd already had a bit of a run-in. Anyway, I had some in one of my kits, and I had a few spare condoms in my other kit - enough to give one to each student, anyway. I looked at the top condom in my hand, and the expiry date was 2006, so I proceeded to hand them out, not really noticing that the other condoms in my hand were of a different brand, and were in the kit only for demonstration. So, halfway into handing them out, a student (my boss's daughter, actually) noticed they the expiration date was *1997*. I immediately picked them back up, and handed out some newer ones. Fewf. That would've been freakin' perfect, eh? A slew of teen pregnancies in the SH area all because of rotten condoms from PP. The media would have had a field day, I tells ya!

What else? Oh, right. The hummer issue. Well, Robin had no idea what a hummer was. I don't know, this isn't a new term, really. I would have thought this is something you'd run into, but maybe it's not a particularly popular term. Anyway, she got me to answer this question. I said it was oral sex performed on a man/penis. That's all. Then, Robin interjects with that it's when you actually hum during the act. What? Has anyone else heard of this? Now, I know humming during oral sex can provide interesting sensation, but I don't really think that's where the term 'hummer' stems from. So, once she said that, the whole class just sort of got confused. One guy asked that if it's still considered a hummer if the girl is the receiver, and she's humming during the act? What? Yeah, after that confusion, it was hard to sort everything out. Also, I didn't really want to step on Robin's toes, so I just sort of left it at that. Who knows? It may start a trend.

Another funny thing/learning experience; I was explaining 69's. I was using the board to explain it (heads go here, naughty bits go here). And no one was really getting the connection until I realized that it was 96 on the board, not 69. Ah well, live and learn.

So, I'm once again reassured that I am good at this job. I'm still not at all convinced that this is where I should be doing it. After today, I could see myself with a TV show. Y'know, I must say, and this is a little embarrassing (and entirely immodest), but I think it would be so cool to convince Rogers TV to give me a little cable access call-in show. With that said, I think I have a face "made for radio" (as Shelagh Rogers, my CBC goddess would say), so that may prohibit me from getting on TV, however, there is a fat ugly guy on there. If he could get a show, why couldn't I?

(ignore that part in his bio about '20 years experience'...)

I don't know why I find this so funny...

I got through the weekend without going insane. I came close on Sunday, but I pulled through. The weather here was more shite, except for the 30 minutes at dusk, where the clouds decided to part, and give us a glimpse of what the day could have been. I'm glad that I usually don't have 'free' weekends (weekends where I'm not travelling, or playing hostess). I've grown accustomed to being somewhat busy on the weekend, and I can't handle being alone.

Did I just write that?

Ack. When did that happen?

Okay, let's disect this a bit. I think maybe it just has more to do with being conditioned, rather than any sort of dependency issue. I must say, I still highly value time on my own. I've always needed to create a sort of bubble for myself where I have full control over the direction, space, and time within it. But I think my shock at my previous statement comes from the fact that, unbeknownst to me, someone has managed to get into my bubble, without disturbing it, or me.

In other news, I've been feeling like a cat in heat, or, as stated in a previous post "hornier than a nine-peckered rabbit at a bowling alley". That first week post-period is always a toughy. I think, as the week wears on.. I might need to be a little naughty.

In the meantime, though, here is an erotic Choose Your Own Adventure!

Considering the general shittiness that abounded at the begining of the week, the rest of the week was pretty good, all things considered.

This week was "Wellness Week" at the hospital which is actually only 1 and a half days. They do stuff like take your blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and they have women doctors/nurses on hand for mammograms and pap tests.

I had a display set up at the beginning of the corridor. I had a grand total of 4 dildos in my display. I blew some condoms up, to add a festive touch. I also had a display of all the different sorts of condoms you can get, as well as the usual books, pamphlets, and free condoms and lube.

I must admit, probably 70% of my time was spent watching old ladies come up to my display. Most of them were probably half blind because they didn't realize what the display was until they were wrist deep in condoms. Most of them would giggle, some of them would scoff, or run away nervously. Either way, it was good for a laugh. A lot of the ladies would say something like "I'm beyond that", but then I'd see a few pocketing a few packets of lube. Well, good for them, I say.

As yesterday wore on, though, a lot of the hospital staff would come by, usually explaining "I was told I just had to see this!". This was really fun, as I actually got some real interest and some real questions. I had a few inquiries about the patch, and I had one person ask me about alternatives to latex when it came to condoms. I had a lot of parents ask me about talking to their kids about sex, which is great, because I'll be having some programs running this summer on that topic.

I also tried a science experiment. I hope most of you know to not use vaseline or any other oil-based lubricant with condoms. It will eat away at it, and can cause little holes. I heard this, and I read somewhere that if you coat a condom with vaseline, and then blow it, the condom would burst in a matter of minutes. Well, I tried it at about 10am yesterday. Nothing happened all day, which made be look like a bit of an ass. However, it did provide much amusement when a little girl was walking by and touched the vaseline coated condom, thinking it was a balloon. She touched it, then cried "Eewww!". That wasn't as funny as the look of absolute horror on the mother's face. I just had to laugh and say "Don't worry, it's only Vaseline." Ha. No hard feelings. The mother came back later and we talked about how to bring up sex with her daughter. Anyway, all that to say that by the time I came in this morning (about 20 hours later), the condom had finally broke, hence proving the theory, sort of. I guess the moral is, definitely DON'T use vaseline with a condom, ESPECIALLY if you plan on having sex for 20 hours straight.

In other news, next weekend is the May 2-4 weekend. Wowee-zowee, I'm excited. The best part is that I will have all the benefits of being at home (no schlepping around all my luggage, access to our whirlpool bath, free groceries, access to a functioning BBQ, nice TV) with all the benefits of NOT being at home (no parents to cramp my style, no extra ears or eyes to be mindful of) as my parents will be gone to their camp all weekend.

Something very interested happened from this. Seeing as how they would be gone, I asked if I and a certain someone could stay at our house for the weekend. Now, for those of you that don't know, my mother has a very strict "no opposite-sex bed-sharing rule". Even when I had a very gay male friend stay with it, we were not allowed to share a bedroom (even if one of us slept on the floor!). She realizes that we sleep with boys, but it's just a rule she has. She realizes it's a bit silly, but yet she is staunchly loyal to upholding it. However, I asked - in jest, mostly - if I could take over the house for the weekend. Shockingly, she approved, just so long as we didn't sleep in their bed. Well, ew. Of course not. But still. I guess the rule only applies if she's actually in the house at the time, which is nice to know.

So, this post is getting a bit out of control. This weekend is the first weekend in a loooooong time where I actually have nothing planned. A part of me is excited. I can snug up around the house, and do all those little things I've been meaning to do. Yet, a part of me is a little worried that this motionless, travelless weekend will drive me insane. I'm prepared though. I'm going to get some booze after work, and have a few pinners prepared in this get really bad.

How come North America never gets stuff like this?

Ugh.

Monday, sometime between 4:00pm and 6:00pm, my parents house was broken into. Well, not broken into, really. Some ballsy cocksucker walked through the front door, up the stairs, into the kitchen, and got his hands on my mothers wallet. He then proceeded to walk back out the front door.

And my mother was in the house.

She's not sure when it happened. There was only a very small window of time that they could have done it before my father and the guy my parents are renting a room to came home from work/school. So, either they were watching the house to see when my mother would be home alone, or they just have incredibly huge testicles and figured they could take on 2 pretty beefy guys, not to mention my mother, who's a definite force to be reckoned with.

My mom gets paid cash for the work she does, and she keeps all this cash in her wallet. Probably about $400-$500 worth. Stupid, I know. I've told her many times she's a walking crime spree waiting to happen. I think what probably happened was that someone saw this wad of cash, followed her home (maybe more than once), and waited for the right moment.. The good thing is that they only took the cash and her credit card. All her other cards and information were in a separate holder in her purse. There were also cameras and other stuff they could have taken, but I guess they were only in for one thing.

Obviously, this has left my mom a little shaken up. She's taken to sleeping with her purse in her bedroom now, and she's considering hiding her knives. I told her the only thing you can do is just be more careful. In a few weeks, I imagine she'll feel less paranoid. My father is a way a lot though, so she refuses to spend the night alone anymore. I can't say I blame her. This has sort of freaked me out, too. It's freaked me out because considering what happened, things could have been much worse. Just to think that someone can just walk into a house and back out again without a second thought just gives me the heeby-jeebies.

Anyway.. Just a public service announcement. I know we live in Canada and this stuff doesn't happen, but I hope you will all think twice about locking your doors, even when you're in the house.

Oh, one more thing, on the lighter side of all this. My parents didn't realize anything was wrong until they checked the answering machine at around 8 or so that night. The credit card people called because there was a few 'suspicious transactions' that came up. These suspicious transactions?

Gas fill-ups. There were about 4 fill-ups in the span of an hour or so. I realize gas is expensive these days, but c'mon people.. don't steal money from 55 year old ladies, ya bunch of fucks.

Hmm.. Well, where to be begin? My first day back to work started off shitty, as usual. The fog returned after a glorious few days in Moncton, with 20-ish degree weather. I also came back to work with a note on my desk saying to please keep my desk more tidy. Well, okay, fair enough, but please don't clean it for me. I've been spending all day hunting for things I knew the exact location of, pre-boss-cleaning. Oh well. I guess I need to work on that. I've thought about it, and I've set up my desk for a right handed person. Being left handed, this invites chaos to my desk. Well, not chaos, but rather the appearance of chaos to the untrained eye. If I get a chance this afternoon or tomorrow, I'll flip everything around and hopefully that will take care of at least some things.

Anyway, I'll change gears here and talk about the weekend. I'll spare everyone by bi-monthly bitching and moaning about being here versus being there. It's old news. One of these days I'll just fucking well make a decision, but for now, let's talk about better things.

It's very nice to realize that there is a presence in one's life that can always be relied on to make one infinitely happy - and for no particular reason. It's very, very nice.

Anyway, after arriving home, we walked down to the Coliseum to watch the Wildcats. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a sport-nut by any stretch of the imagination, but I very truly enjoyed myself at this hockey game. It was the finals, so everyone had these little towels to swing around when cheering. At first, I was just way too cool for these stupid things. Besides, I didn't much care if we won or not. It took me half-way into the first period to figure out who the hell we were playing. Anyway, by about 5 minutes into the 2nd period, I was looking for my dinky little towel, which had, unfortunately, fell through the chair in front of me, lost forever. Besides that, though, good game.

Saturday was spent at the Market, of course. We were both sick, so the fresh orange juice was just what the Doctor ordered (well, not literally...). I also ran into a girl from UW. That was, uhm, a little awkward. She's one of those people who, honestly, just isn't that high on my list of people to see when I get home, so I haven't seen her in a while. So, she berated me about this. What she doesn't realize is that there are people I've been trying to see for months that I have yet to see because my weekends at home are usually pretty busy. Anyway. Hm, she also bugged me about the job. This was especially hard because what I wanted to say and what I actually said were pretty much opposite of each other, and I felt like a bumbling idiot. Huh.

So, the rest of the day was spent celebrating my Aunt's birthday. It was actually pretty fun. The oddest thing though.. We got some decorations, and including in this was a "It's a Boy!" banner. We put it up, without really saying anything, and no one mentioned it. Even now. I wonder what they're thinking...

Sun-day. It was sunny and warm outside, so we spent most of the day walking around. I ended up getting a sunburn, which prompted me to buy some moisturizer with SPF 20 before leaving to come back to SH. Then it was back home for the grand-ol Survivor finale. 3 hours. I was pretty sick of home by that point, so I was glad to get out of there.

I should get back to work. I'm teaching a computer class on Word tonight, so I better get organized. (insert eye-rolling smiley here)

There's a lot more to discuss, but I shall continue this rant tomorrow.

I'm just trying out this "Hello" function with Blogger. I hope this works! Aren't I cute?

I know probably every blogspot blogger in the world is currently posting on this, but.. I dig the new Blogger.com. Very nice.

I don't trust the comments yet, though. As I was kicking around the new place, I noticed a few bugs. I don't want to lose all my comments until I know they work properly. I'll let someone else be the guinea pig for now.

I wrote VIA a little note the other day expressing my displeasure over not having some sort of 'frequent traveller' plan for someone who is a) not a student or b) an upper-canadian. Obviously I've do a lot of travelling to and fro and it'd be nice to be able to buy in bulk, at least. Also, I never remember to buy my tickets in advance, so I lose out on their discount.

Anyway, I recieved a phone message on my machine from Mr. Marc Deschenes, who (I found out later) is the Product Manager for Eastern Canada. He called me at work today. He recieved my note, and so discussed the possibility of starting some type of program out here, which is, really, all I asked for. He was very nice and thorough and respect. Yay, Via! No free train tickets, though, which was sort of what I was hoping for. But still. Maybe they'll start a program just for me!

Also on the complain front.. For some reason, I'm eating Sour Patch Kids Candy. I really, really, really don't like sour food, but I just can't help myself.

So, let me ask ya..

How are your nuts?

Is this really a concern for guys? Do you stand in front of mirror obsessing over the asymmetry of your genitalia? And, did I miss something here, or aren't giant testicles a good thing???

I urge you to take a look around the site.. There's a whole gallery of completely useless surgeries.

FYI: In finally found the piece of code that was bolding all my posts.. Now you can actually see all my formatting!

I'm sure most of you have seen this picture. It's been around for a while. I remember seeing it about 6 or 7 years ago.

Did you know that the same phenomenom happens in mice?

Well, I do.

Do you know how I know?



BECAUSE MY BOSS'S HUSBAND JUST CAME IN MY OFFICE HOLDING A DEAD MOUSE WITH AN ERECTION!!!!!!!!!


Apparently, we have a bit of an infestation in our office, so they've been laying mouse traps all week. Yesterday, they caught two. I was lucky enough not to have seen them, because, well, it's really fucking gross to see dead animals that aren't on a plate in front of me with a side of gravy and/or roasted potatoes.

Anyway, Wade, my boss's husband, is the resident plumber/carpenter/exterminator for our office. So, when the traps were full, he was called in to get rid of the 2 dead mice. So, they set the traps again, and this time they caught another one. I thought nothing of it, just glad to be upstairs, away from the mouse massacre.

Then I heard someone come up the stairs. A man. Working in a women's center, it's easy to distinguish the graceful bounce of a women's step with the laborious clunking steps of a man's.

....And with a thick, hick, Nova Scotian accent I hear "Hey, Jenn, I have something to show you!"

*clunk* *clunk* *clunk*

My stomach turns. I cry out "IF IT'S A DEAD MOUSE, I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT!" The apple I had for breakfast is crawling up my esophagus, looking to come out.

Before I know it, I see him in the door frame of my office. I clench my eyes shut. Thinking he had some sense of decency, that maybe he put the mouse away, I open my eyes, only to get an eyeful of LITTLE GREY MOUSE-COCK.

(Okay, at this point, I have to interject that when you type "mouse penis" into Google Image Search, Janet Reno is the 2nd picture to come up. Don't believe me? )

Have you ever seen a mouse erection? It looks like... Well, it's pretty hard to describe. It's pink, and only about as big as a fingernail clipping from your 2nd toe. And there it was. Right there in front of me. The mouse had his head thrown back, his neck broken, no doubt. His tail was sort of curled underneath him.

I could have sworn I saw a smile on that mouse's face.

And the only thing I could say was, "At least he died happy."

Just wanted to point out to everyone a few new links on the sidebar over there. Sonja is an old friend, Wil Wheaton, sadly, is not an old friend, but has a decent blog, and is where I found \m/. Finally, we have Smoking in the Dark, written by a an academic, fiesty little sparkplug. She seems to have actually done something with a religious studies degree, so that's somewhat comforting.

Might I suggest this? Not that it is a footlong, has a suction cup (for all those hard to reach places), and it named "The Czar"!

There is one exhibit in the museum which makes Knyazkin be especially proud of. This is the 30-centimeter preserved penis of Grigory Rasputin. "Having this exhibit, we can stop envying America, where Napoleon Bonaparte's penis is now kept. Napoleon's penis is but a small pod - it cannot stand comparison to our organ of 30 centimeters," the head of the museum said.

Seriously, though, I loved studying the Russian Revolution in Modern History Class, and the French Revolution, to a somewhat lesser extent.

Anyway, back to the stuff I didn't have time to write about yesterday:

Ah, yes. Business men. The last few times I've been on business trips, I've found myself giving random business men the eye in the hotel I'm staying in. I have this fantasy of having completely anonymous, random sex while on these business trips with older (but not OLD) business men. It's rather strange. It's not something I would ever act on, because, as I'll explain shortly, this fantasy (like most fantasies) would never be as good in reality as it is in my head.

I'm a little worried though that it's some sort of Freudian Electra complex (like Oedipus, but for daughters/fathers). My father used to have plenty of business trips when I was younger, and I always used to wonder if he was having an affair. The business trip scenario is an ideal situation for affairs, for the aforementioned anonymity of it all.

But I digress.

Enter The Senator (AKA: "Wet Willy"). As I mentioned, our hotel room was poolside. At about 9:50pm Friday night, just as we were settling in, we opened the curtains and found an older, businessman-looking-man. He had thining blond hair, and maybe a moustache, I can't remember. Anyway, he was gross. But somehow, to me, alluring, in a very gross, disturbing way. Now, let me make absolutely clear that I did not find Wet Willy attractive in any way. Rather, it was just fact that there was a symbol of my fantasy in a hot tub, just outside our window, motioning frantically for us to join him. By that time, we were locked into our rooms, so we couldn't go out anyway. Which is obviously just as well.

So, then, the next day, I meet Willy. I'm soaking in the hot tub, and he comes over and gets in. Small talk ensues. He's, to no one's surprise, I'm sure, a big dork. He asked me what I did, and I tell him, and his whole face changes. I'm fairly certain the weiner was intimidated by me. Now, you have to be a pretty weak man to be intimidated by me. So, disgusted and disillusioned, I grabbed my towel, and headed back into our room.

THAT aside, all I could think about this week was, y'know, doin' it. I don't know, maybe hotels give me lusty thoughts. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the different places that are condusive to sexual relations. Take hotel rooms, for instance. You have a bed, maybe a few chairs, a desk, maybe an end table or two, and lets not forget the washroom, with those nice long sinks. The best part is, you can leave the room in a state of absolute lusty chaos, and someone gets paid to clean up after you, so you can return to a nice clean orderly room and mess it up again.

Then you have the pool. The best part of the pool is the weightlessness of being in water. Jana and I got into a conversation about how easy it would be to do yoga in water. It got me to thinking about all the neat and fantastic positions two people could get themselves in. Also, people generally look quite sexy when wet.

Is it warm in here? I think I'll go look at Rasputin's weiner again...

I told my sister today that if I wanted that, I would have dated a British lesbian.

Sorry, that's so wrong.

It's raining and foggy here, and I'm still recovering from this past weekend. Jana flew down from Evil Toronto and we had a spa weekend at the Casino Hotel. She arrive at about 10pm on Friday. We ordered pizza from Greco, but we got it free from the very attractive pizza boy. He says it was because his interact machine was broken, but I think it was because he opened the door to find 2 hot, young, nubile women. Oh yah.

Saturday morning we woke early and had breakfast at one of the hotel restaurants. Quite yummy. Then we went to the spa. We had manis and pedis together. Then I went and had a facial, and a massage, while Jana had a 90 minute facial. I'm pretty sore from the massage, but that must mean it worked, right?

After the spa, we prepare for our evening out. We went to La Cave again for supper, and again it was lovely. We then went to a martini bar called 'The Bitter End' and had a few drinks. By this point, we were pretty exhausted. We toyed with the idea of going back to our room for a nap. We did return to our room, but decided against the nap. We chilled for a bit, then we went to the Lower Deck. We heard there were going to be comedians there that night (for the comedy festival), but apparently they were there that afternoon, so we missed them. Instead, RANT was playing. They were okay, but sounded like every goddamned Nova Scotian band of heard so far. I think it's a requirement to play Barrett's Privateers each and every night, and each and every bar in Halifax. Oh, and let's not forget the half-hourly SOCIABLES! They were a novelty at first, but now they're akin to hitting your glass at a wedding reception to see the bride and groom kiss.

Anyway, while Jana entertained a 19 year-old courter, I kept pounding 'em back, so by 1am, I was sociable-ing with the best of them. Then the lights came up, and didn't know what to do.

I kinda pussied out, and suggested going back to the hotel. On our way there, we ran into Shawn, who I hung out with in High School and University. It was a very random, fateful meeting, so we decided to follow him (and cougar who was trying to pick him up) to the Ale House. More drinking and flirting (I did some drinking, Jana did some flirting), and Shawn and I caught up on things (he's doing his master's on laser beams, and now has braces, heh heh). We left around 3am.

We arrived back at the hotel, and we broke into the pool. Our room as poolside, and the hotel should have locked our slidding glass door to prevent our drunk asses from getting into the pool area, but they forget. On comes our bathing suits, and we ever so quietly slipped into the hottub for a soak. Yum, yum, yum. We slid back out, and stepped into our hotel room, unnoticed. Yes. We are so cool.

We then ate the pizza we ordered, and went to bed at about 4:30am. Then we got up at around 10am. Ouch ouch ouch. We went to the Sunday brunch, which was amazing. I think we had about 6 slices of cheesecake between us, not to mention all the other wonderful things laid out. I think I'm still digesting though, *burp*.

I can't really remember the rest of the day.. Oh wait, we played the slots for a bit, then Jana won back our losses by playing a few hands of Blackjack. Well done, ya crazy red head.

Okay, well, I've left out a few things, which I will get back to tomorrow. Topics of interest include: Senator Wet Willy, High School Reputations, My Fantasy, and How I Want to do it in a Hotel Room, a Hot Tub, and a Pool (though those are sort of self-explanatory, aren't they?).